Dear Journal For The Last Time (Part 1)

(This is based on a true story. The names were tweaked for personal, security, and classification reasons)

March 6, 2012

Dear Journal,

I know that I need to stay strong. And you know better than anyone else that I’ve stayed strong for a long time. It’s just that right now, at this very moment, it feels so impossible. How can people keep this up for so long? Now I know why people do it… They… I don’t even like saying that word. It scares me. The day I finally am able to say it is the day when I will finally be done with all of the crap. But not yet, I’m not ready. Maybe things will get better? I hope they do… I just don’t know. I’ll find out. Try to last through the week. I’m keeping my head up and smiling. I won’t let those people bring me down. Well, I have to finish my project presentation for English tomorrow. Wish me luck Journal! I’ll write soon. Pinky swear.

~ Yours truly, Sammy

March 7, 2012

Dear Journal for the very last time,

I know that yesterday I said I was going to stay strong a little longer and try to finish the week with my head up and a smile on my face. But I can’t do it anymore. It’s not fair that I get treated the way I do when I’ve never done anything wrong. I’m overweight because of my thyroid condition and nobody understands.  I just… I’m done.

Since you’re probably wondering what happened… it happened again today. Morgan, Ashley, and Isabelle decided to take things even further than usual. I’m used to their petty “jokes” but this was too much, even for them.

So I told you about my English project, right? The one where we were paired in groups and had an animal and we had to bring in items and pictures that reminded of us of that animal? Well it all started with that…

Naturally with Mrs. Abis being Ashley’s mom, the Barbie doll posse was in a group together. They also got to actually pick their animal. But anyways, enough loathing, I want to get this over with. So today we had to present. They went very last, saying the “best” should be last.  Every group member had a job. The presenter, the person who chooses what pictures and items they use, and the overseer. Morgan got the role of choosing the items… Before they presented nobody knew what their animal was, if I had known, I probably would have predicted this….

So they got up in front of the class, Ashley standing to the side of her group looking pretty. Morgan stood next to Ashley holding the box that contained their items and pictures, she looked fairly nervous.

Isabelle stood front and center in her short little dress she was wearing today she had a huge smile on her face and kept looking at me. They got “cow” as their animal. So they started pulling out the items, grass, milk, a toy barn, a cheeseburger, and then they pulled out something that I will never forget. They pulled out a picture of me, and yes I’m positive it was me. In case I didn’t realize it was they put my name, Samantha Bonnette, in big red letters across the bottom.

It felt like an eternity had passed before I finally heard all of the laughing again. Everyone just kept laughing and laughing. Tears has threatened to spill over, but no. Crying would be a sign of weakness. So I sat there. While everyone laughed and pointed. Even my English teacher, Mrs. Abis was laughing at her daughter’s friend’s cruel “joke” too. She was short of breath and clapping and through her laughing she was saying “so true, so true.” Every Monday she preaches to us about how not to bully. It’s a horrible thing to do. Blah blah blah. But then she turns around and does this? I know she knew about this before hand. It isn’t the fact that she’s laughing that’s the worst part. It’s that she’s let that happen and continue to happen till the end of the hour.

It sounds stupid, I know. I’ve been called worse in front of a even bigger crowd. But I’ve been fed up with it all for a while. Lately I think I’ve been waiting for that push over the edge. This is it. I’m almost done writing. I just want to be done.

Today on March 7, 20112 at approximately 5:37 p.m. I, Samantha (Sammy) Bonnette, will attempt suicide and succeed. There… I said it. Finally I can say it. That word I’ve always been afraid to say. At least I’ve accomplished something.

Goodbye Journal, thank you for always being there for me. You’re my best friend and you’ve never talked crap behind my back or laughed at me. Thanks. Hopefully someday someone reads this. Like Morgan or Ashley and they finally understand how I’ve felt for all these years.

~ Yours truly, Sammy

 

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